The Saga of Reflection

It’s odd how a few words can bring back so many memories.

Oh the things we cold have done the places we could have seen and the memories we could have shared.

Old Thoughts Revisited.

I’m sad, and I want to cry, but the tears wont come. I want to rage and throw shit and scream. I want to revert back to a primal time of chaos and self-indulgence. But I cant. I lay down and wish the feelings that I feel would turn into strong emotions, but they don’t. They just leave me sad,lonely and drifting.

In Contrast to how I feel at the moment.

I wish I wasn’t so close to tears.I wish that I was detached and cold and distant, I wish I didn’t feel. I wish that I could be happy. I wish that the pain wasn’t so sweet. I remember when I didn’t know you, I bet that was a similar time, I miss what we had. I know that it has passed, but God, I wish things were different. There aren’t many people who have such a hold on me, and I dont understand it, and i’m rambling, but this is how I feel and it doesnt have to make sense.

Bit of fun, in Dr. Seuss, meter

Oh! The Wonder!

Exultant joy, deep with meaning

Apparently was meant to be quick and fleeting

As it happened, sorrow was soon to arrange a meeting

Happiness eternal, muted to a buzz

months later, memories still filled with what - once was

twas nothing, he said to himself, didnt mean a thing

I’m much better off by myself, as soon as I find the pieces

I’m storing the broken thing on a really high shelf

Love is as mythical as a fucking green elf. ;)

I don’t NEED you seeing as I do live, but I cant say that I am completely happy.

There are friends who I thought I wouldn’t stay in contact with but I do, there are friends who I meant to stay in contact with but I don’t. There are girls I dated and I felt that we were best friends, there are girls I have dated, and I wondered later on why…
LOL the last girl I dated… I talked to all of the time, like she became an integral part of my life. One of the last things I said to her was that I needed her. Her response “ was that human being’s need no one”  I said it in partial jest, partly in an overused form of expression. I mean physiologically I need no one. I mean I may call you my heart, but you are not physically my heart and I don’t need you in order to live. As i said previously physically human beings are self sufficient to amazing degrees. But what happens when you’ve been talking to someone for ages… I talked to this girl for six months, we talked A LOT for six months, Like I feel like i knew her for a year or so. And while i didn’t and do not physically need her. I came to rely on her for support, company — you know… all of things for which we as humans form relationships for. But I was at a general loss as to what I was supposed to say to this girl… I mean what do you say to someone like this, someone who is afraid of commitment and it would also seem afraid of developing emotional bonds with someone else. I mean you should expect that after a certain time talking to someone that they are truly interested. That should be the expectation, no wasted time, I mean you can waste time for the first month or two, but once you’ve been talking long enough you should expect and perhaps desire some type of attachment. I mean why waste time?

I mean shit… its been 4 month and a half and while I’m not devastated,  I do feel as is my life is less. I came to regard this girl as one my best friends, I mean it wasn’t just some girl that I was dating…it was more that she had became one of my best friends. I don’t lose best friends super easily… I still talk to all of them for the most part… My best friend list is short… these people hit me up - and I have their back if at all possible. They have proven themselves to me as honorable people and friends of the highest caliber.

Love/hate

I love how I trusted you more than anything. I love how I gave you all of me. I love how you broke all of your promises to me. I love how I assigned best friend status to you, and you broke my heart. I love how I cant hate you, I mean I hate that I almost loved you. I hate how you are on my mind. I hate how you never cared. I  love how I gave you three chances, and ended up sadder after each chance. I love how it was always so one sided. I love how you could depend on me. I hate how I could never depend on you. I wish that I could hate you. I wish that i had never given you a second chance, let alone a third chance. What the hell is wrong with me? You didn’t deserve the third chance…I love/hate how I still cry. I almost wish that I had never met you, but i do wish that we had never dated and do wish that I had never started talking to you in the way that we talked. You could have had it all. I’m an introvert for real, Im a misanthrope too. I don’t trust most people, so for me to be so open with you was real, it was rare. I keep asking myself why… I keep wanting you to apologize and ask for another chance, but how could I tell you yes? Knowing that you promised not to hurt me/get bored with me, you promised that making me happy was first and foremost on your mind. My heart is shattered. In many pieces, I don’t know if i will find all of them so that i can put it back together.

Clients From Hell: Working as a moderator for a computer help chat room many years...